Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
