2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
