I am spending my child support on dildos
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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