I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You made out with two different species that night
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
