Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
