I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
