In the future we'll all be gay
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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