Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
