you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
