i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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