went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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