Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Don't make out with my wife yet
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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