i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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