I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
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PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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