are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
