I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
