Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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