No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
