apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
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