So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
