Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
