my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
