So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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