Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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