Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
