I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
