Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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