Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
