I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
