she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
