260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
