Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
