So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
