dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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