Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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