While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
