Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
