1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
