the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
