My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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