i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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