I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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