My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
