you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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