Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
