it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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