while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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