I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
