I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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