Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
