so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
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he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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