I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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