Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
