I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
