I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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