all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You ruined the universe
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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