Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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