It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
